Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Choosing Adoption. A birth family's story.

It is my greatest honor to be able to share this piece.  While it is a story near and dear to my heart because it involves my daughter and her birth family, it is also a rare look into the thought process behind a family choosing to make an adoption plan from the point-of-view of the birth mom's mom; information that is invaluable to everyone, everywhere. It is my passion to cultivate a culture of adoption the best that I can with those I regularly interact with;  stories like this contribute to that cause.  

I urge you to re-post this, pass it along, print it off and send it to someone, and lead people to it who need to know what adoption truly can be and how fantastically noble and selfless it is.  It is my hope that pieces like this can begin to chink away at the fallacies that exist about choosing adoption.  Little by little, one story at at time, it is my dream that we can change the trend that is teenage parenting in this country; that we can encourage, support, and walk besides those courageous kids and their parents who choose to make an adoption plan, who choose to give a child the best chance there is in life, and who choose to make one of the most responsible decisions in the face of incredible hardship that there is.    

Thank you Sharon for sharing your story. It is a priceless gift for my daughter.........and for everyone else who reads it.  
*************************
It’s in the early morning when I’m having my first cup of coffee in the quiet house that I head over to Pink Shoes—a favorite blog of mine.   It makes me smile and sometimes I just sit there laughing at the stories that Maggie, the blog’s author, tells.

Maybe it’s because I’ve raised 3 daughters and it brings me back to those early days when everyday things became an adventure.  My daughters are practically grown now, they are 21, 19 and 16.  And while I love watching them go out in the world and become confident, strong and caring young women, I also miss those fun days of playing in the snow, ice skating after school on our lake, swimming all day in the summer, playing games, reading books to them, having a houseful of little girl friends around giggling and talking nonstop.

But maybe—actually most definitely-- it’s because my 19 year old daughter Tarah, is the birth mom of Georgia, the little girl that is the subject of most of the entries on this blog.  Georgia reminds me so much of Tarah and also of my other daughters; Hannah and Helene.  And Maggie, Georgia’s mom, reminds me of me as a mom. She is an amazing mom and she writes about everything I have felt about being a mom and raising my girls.

I love being a mom, it’s what I’ve always wanted to be. When I learned that Tarah was pregnant at 16 I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen.  I guess because I felt like a failure as a mom.  Didn’t I talk birth control enough and how did I not know her relationship with her boyfriend had progressed so far?  I was embarrassed, scared and angry; most days I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

We decided Tarah would quit school for the trimester and the school helped us set up homeschooling.  I didn’t want her walking through the halls pregnant with everyone talking about her.  I felt so helpless, I couldn’t see anything good in this situation and I had always been able to see the positive in everything.  I prayed and prayed.  I willed myself to accept it—it was what it was—and I knew we had to work through it, we had to handle it well.  God gives you answers if you really pay attention and that’s what I did.

I let go of the “I’m a failure as a mom” thing.  I told everyone close to us and I told everyone at our church.  I knew we would need the support of everyone we loved to make it through this. Tarah’s sisters were also there for her every step of the way.  They were so supportive though this journey they were forced into.  Sometimes I think they felt left out, but they were there through everything, supporting their sister.  They are both amazing.  I am so proud of all three of my daughters.

I’m still amazed at the amount of unconditional support we received.  And we needed it, we had big decisions to make.  We didn’t have a lot of time either.  We found out Tarah was pregnant in November and she was due in March, just over 4 months to figure out the future of this little baby girl growing inside her.

From the beginning Tarah wanted to make an adoption plan for her baby.  You see, my daughters had grown up without their father in their lives.  He met someone else while we were married, left our home and eventually our state to start his new family.  He was never there for them physically or emotionally.  I tried, but I could never replace the loss they felt not having a dad in their lives.  This is why Tarah was adamant about adoption;  she wanted her daughter to have a mom and a dad in her life.  She knew if we raised this little girl, she would start her life with visitation schedules, every other holiday schedules, and two homes.  She also knew that at 16 she was not ready to be a good mom; the kind of mom that this little girl deserved.

Yes, she could have taken care of a baby.  I was a pediatric nurse and I taught all my daughters baby care.  We loved babies at our house; we are the kind of people that carry everyone’s baby, we beg to babysit, we plan special things just for kids…..we love them.  My girls knew how to change diapers, use bottles and how to rock and pat a fussy baby.  But raising a child was different, they are only a baby for a short time…….and then they’re toddlers and grade school kids, and adolescents, and…….and…..and.

So we started our journey toward adoption.  The first agency we went to they gave us about 20 scrap books of potential families.  We were so overwhelmed, how do you choose a family to raise this little girl, who could ever be good enough to trust our little girl’s life to?  I wasn’t sure I could do this.  So again I prayed for strength and it came from a couple we knew that had adopted their son 20 years ago.  They told us, “if you’re not completely connecting with this agency, go to another one.”  That sounds so simple but at this high stress time we had never thought about that and it really did sound overwhelming to start over again.

But we did it and we ended up with an amazing social worker who introduced us to Chris and Maggie.  They were the only couple we met and after that first meeting we knew they would be our little girl’s parents.  I’ll never forget that first meeting when we talked about what kind of adoption we wanted.  We said we would love to get pictures just to see how she was doing and what she looked like growing up.  That was really all we expected at that time.  Who would have guessed it would turn out like it has.

About six weeks after that first meeting Tarah went into labor and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Georgia Elyse.  Her middle name the same as Tarah’s.  We spent an amazing weekend with her in the hospital.  I spent the nights there and Georgia stayed in our room.  Chris and Maggie came the day after she was born and we all sat together, taking pictures and holding her.

Releasing her was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  Tarah dressed her and put her in the car seat, Maggie and Chris were there, we kissed her, we cried.  I’ll never forget the emotion. Tarah had asked one of her nurses to come in to be with her during this process, she’d felt a real connection with her, and she did, on her day off.  That was such a support for Tarah.  This nurse had given Tarah a baby blanket to wrap Georgia in while in the hospital and then to take home to hold while she was missing Georgia; she still sleeps with it.  Maggie was crying and we held each other.  I told her to take her baby girl home and love her and I would take my baby girl home and love her.
I knew everything was going to be ok, hard but ok.

Chris and Maggie had given us their address, home phone number and cell phone number.  That gave me such comfort.  You see, as hard as this was there was never a point when Tarah or I ever changed our mind, or ever thought this wasn’t  the right decision—we knew it was what was best for this little girl, for Georgia.  I was so proud of Tarah.  I had done a good job raising her; she was a strong, brave loving young woman.

So we went home, it felt so lonely.  Tarah slept with me and her blanket.  We cried.  I wanted to call and go see Georgia the first day home.  Tarah said no, we needed to let go first.  How wise she had become.  We enrolled her back in school and that Friday, just one week after giving birth she was in school all day trying to catch up.  And she did.

She graduated 2 years later with honors, a member of student council and was accepted into Michigan State University.  She was where she was supposed to be and Georgia was where she belonged; the adoption was working exactly as it was intended to work—how any adoption can work.

Meanwhile, during those 2 years we saw Georgia often.  Chris, Maggie and Georgia had become a part of our family.  They came to our house and we went to theirs.  They are a family,  Chris and Maggie are Georgia’s parents.  There has never been a point where I thought any differently or regretted our decision.  I love seeing them and since the day she was born Georgia’s picture has been my screen saver on my phone.  I look at her face every day and smile.  Maggie is an amazing mom and Chris is the kind of dad every girl dreams of.  Georgia will always know where she came from and that she is loved so much by her adoptive family and her birth family.

It has been so wonderful being able to be a part of her life.  I never dreamed we would be this involved, but I truly believe it is the best thing for Georgia.  We don’t see her as often now, but I think of her every day.  I talk about the adoption to everyone.  Most people look at me like I’m crazy, “isn’t it so hard to see her,” they ask.  “No,I love seeing her, there’s nothing hard about it.”  I feel so lucky and privileged to be a part of her life.

Maggie has done such a good job of talking about adoption to her that even at her young age she knows she came out of Tarah’s tummy and her mom and dad took her home from the hospital.  She knows that I am Tarah’s mom, but I’m not her grandma [everyone asks if she calls me grandma].  She is comfortable in our home and when they come over it feels like family.  She looks [and sometimes acts] like Tarah, but she also looks and acts like Maggie and Chris.  Tarah and Maggie are a lot alike; they have the same style and personality.  We fit together so well.  Our friends and family have all met Chris, Maggie, and Georgia.

I love watching Tarah and Georgia play together.  There is nothing sad or hard about it.  Georgia is where she belongs, where she was meant to be.  I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and if you just pay attention God will show you the way.  That’s how one of the worst things I thought could happen became one of the best.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that adoption isn’t about “giving up” a baby, it’s about choosing to give a child the best chance for a stable and secure life.  Adoption is about everyone doing what’s best for the child.  Maybe if more people talked about adoption it would become a more accepted choice when teenagers get pregnant.  I know that I had no idea what to expect when we first began this journey, but I do know that it has been an amazing one, one that I feel blessed to be on.

I found a saying in the book store the other day that sort of sums it up “ just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…”

Adoption is my butterfly.

Written by Sharon Miller

24 comments:

  1. Yep....started crying about half way through. I love that this is such a great picture of God's story for our lives. Takes our 'worst' and can turn it into one of our 'bests', as only He can.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you both for sharing this.. It's a very touching story.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  4. That was amazingly touching!!! I cried the whole way through but a great amazing touching cry!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. That was perfect, how awesome to hear from other perspectives. Thank you for letting me be a little part of your experience.

    ReplyDelete
  6. So beautifully written. Wish I could share this with all my teen girls and all their parents.I love when the focus is more on what is gained than what is lost. God can truly bring beauty from ashes. Thank you for your willingness to let us glance into this private journey. Blessings to all of you in this life long adventure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please, please do! Do whatever you'd like with it! Especially to parents--I just don't think enough of them realize what they could be gaining instead of just "giving up."

      Delete
  7. This story reminds me so much of my own. I am a mom through the miracle of adoption. I never expected to have an open adoption, but that is exactly what evolved with my oldest son's birthmom. What a blessing to be able to share with her the amazing gift she gave to me. People say to me that I am generous to share, I say to them...I wouldn't have him, if Kristy hadn't shared first! Birthmothers have a special place in our home and hearts! Thanks so much for sharing this love story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love this JoJo......When people say the same kinds of things to me about being generous or nice to have an open adoption I just tell them--it's not really about that--it's just what's right, and it feels right, and anything else would feel kind of wrong.

      Delete
  8. So cool, thank you for sharing it is awesome to hear how right things can be!

    ReplyDelete
  9. How beautifully inspiring that the parents and grandparents involved opened their hearts to each other for the sake of Georgia. Tarah, Maggie, Chris and Sharon all sound like they really get the spirit of open adoption.

    ReplyDelete
  10. TEARS!!! So incredibly beautiful! This mirrors our relationship with our son's birth family quite a bit and made me smile that someone has this amazing privilege of loving their child's birth family like their own!

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a beautiful beautiful post. What a treasure for your little girl. And, a blessing to so many families who don't have such a treasure. Thank you so much -- both of you -- for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. My heart breaks a little when I hear people so set on closed adoptions.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm crying! We went through YEARS of fertility treatments to get our girls. While trying for our 2nd I had a 15 yr old girl tell me she was pregnant the day before Xmas break. I was the only one she'd told other than her sister and was going to have an abortion. I tried so hard to encourage her to get counseling first and/or talked to people who'd been in her shoes. I wanted to scream and ask her if she knew what "some women" do to try to have children! (of course I didn't). Tarah seems like a phenomenal girl. I wish I'd have had this story to give to her!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Julie--It is so frustrating to think about the lack of education in our country on adoption isn't it? So many girls believe that adoption carries a stigma or that it means they'll never see their baby again--when it reality it can be the most beautiful relationship between an adoptive family and a birth family. Thanks for your comment.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my heart...so much like my own story in so many ways. I just love this post and I'm forwarding it to my mom now. :). You are all amazing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jenny V. I don't even feel like I can take any credit. It's all them.

      Delete
  16. You should all give yourselves a truckload of credit...Georgia is one incredibly loved little peach...clearly. :). It's all about the love.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wow. I got teary-eyed as I read this beautiful letter (it reads more like a letter than a blog post), but the last sentence is was really touched me the most. You see, several years ago I bought a little wooden display that reads "Refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." I remember my husband asking me, "What is that supposed to mean?" The display always makes me think of being excited about something beautiful or extremely memorable. Now, in combination with this post, it truly means so much more since my husband and I are just beginning our adoption journey. Thank you so much for this! I will be passing it on.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am starting to look into adoption after my own struggles with infertility. What an amazing breath of fresh air. I am deeply touched by this story. Thank you...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely! I am still in awe everyday when I read what my daughter's birth grandma wrote about her and our relationship. It is one of the most amazing gifts I could ever imagine!

      Delete

You Might Also Like....

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...