I have to let that sit in. ONE. ONE. ONE.
It's breathtaking how fast this year has come and gone and how fast our lives changed last November 10th with no warning and no time to think about saying yes or no -- just….we'll be there at noon tomorrow-- to this amazing little man who was already born when we found out about him.
Wait--we had twenty minutes--let me be transparent.
It's so strange to think back to that sheer panic inducing moment standing at my kitchen island talking to my social worker on the phone as she was ordering food from the KFC drive-thru because her day had been as crazy as mine was about to become.
We'd always heard about these "alleged" adoptions that happen at the last minute with no warning and never for one minute thought that would happen with us. That's always a dumb assumption--because thinking something will never happen to you pretty much seals the deal that it will. And I could keep going with this train of thought--but if you've been around here a while you know the story. If not, you can read about it here.
I've written here less this year than I ever intended to. For no poignant reason really. Unless you consider being tired, and somewhat lazy, and having a newborn, and needing to binge watch Blacklist last winter, and laundry, and playing on the floor with a baby and a first grader, and really enjoying my part-time job at school, and reading some good books, and hanging out with my husband, and playing outside poignant. I'm sure I could write a post about how all of that is poignant and moving but it really wasn't an intentional decision…..and that's left me feeling all those panicky feelings of scarcity and un-intended apathy that I can't stand. I worry that I've chronicled less of Crosby's first year here than I wanted to, and those thoughts that I'm so sure I can hold on tightly to in my head will slowly start to dissipate.
But when you're a mom and you know the paralyzing love a baby brings on you know there are just some things about your baby you'll never forget……….
Like how Crosby points at everything and yells for you to hand it to him--even though we've never been convinced yet to hand him a pair of scissors, a tube of red lipstick, or a hot straightening iron.
Like how he puts his hands in the air and sways all soulful to music. Even better--how pumped he gets when he can see that we're about to turn on the music and he's getting his moves ready.
Like when he cranes his neck down to look you straight in the eye if you're not looking directly at him…..and he's starting to say "hi" when he does it which is truly awesome.
Or how about when he hugs the stuffed animal dog whose nose turns red when it "sneezes," and only when the nose turns red--and not a second earlier.
And how he holds his hand to his ear whenever he hears the phone ring like he's talking on the phone.
And how when he hears us laughing about something he interjects his own laugh just to be part of the group.
And the smooshy. Smoosh has become the best verb in our house. You're happy about something……smoosh. Something is delicious? Smoosh. It's stupid--sure. But when Crosby started smiling the smooshy smile--it changed our lives. We got a little nervous back in September because he stopped doing it for about three weeks…..and then….miraculously….it came back.
And you know how it is--this list is endless.
Crosby came so fast…..we didn't have time to really process this major life decision…..we just said yes. And what we've learned by just saying yes is that sometimes when you do--without analyzing the situation to do death like we're so inclined to do as a culture is that you get to experience a truly authentic surprise and there are so few in life, and you get to experience the sacrificial love of your friends and family who rally around you and set up pack and plays at your house while you're gone, buy you diapers and wipes and clothes and formula, and help your mom with your other kid who's sick and show you how to accept help and love it, you get to come face to face with the realization that there is so little in our lives that we get to control and even when it doesn't feel okay it's making you a better person, and that when you think there's no way in the world you were cut out to be a boy mom you find out that being a boy mom is just as awesome as being a girl mom…..because……
oh, and this too….
Happy first birthday you incredible little boy. You have been one of the best surprises and the best yes's ever to come our way.